Published October 21, 2009
This will be the first poem of mine posted here, at YWS:
Her tears of ice
Raining down upon the tide
As midnight falls
The depths of the ocean grow oh so wide
And yet they sleep
Knowledge indiscrete as the cold winds blow
The glares of all
Slowly seeping into the never-ending flow
Will ever the time come
Shall one rise and light up the deep
To find a way
And cradle the tears of those who weep
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Ooh. I like it. Very classic. Very smooth. It sounds almost like one of those 1700s era poems. Fabulous! (Yeah, sorry...we're studying poetry in my English class right now, from history to structure to all the different types and the list goes on and on for MILES! Ugh...
) But anyway, it sounds really good. I like the image you build in it, with that tone of helplessness. Great job!
Raven,
This was interesting. Maybe I'm looking too deeply into it all but this made me think. I had to think and figure out what you meant by it. But I liked it.
Good job and keep writing(:
-Rena.
Thanks, Chelsea! I like the revisions you made to it.
Hey, hey
Your last line is fantastic, really. This is a very good poem. It grips your attention and has meaning, which is great considering it's a short poem. Well done
~^~Chelsea~^~
Firstly, thanks a lot for replying! I completely agree with you with the "oh so" part of the poem. It felt off for me as well, but I felt like throwing it out there to see what other people think. And I didn't really notice the partial rhyming of "sleep" and "indiscreet"!
Thanks for bringing these things to mind!
This is good!
I had a problem with finding the rhythm, or beat, to it. It just wasn't a very clear one. However, some of the rhyming was great! Whereas other parts of it... not so great.
Take this part, for example:
The rhyming with "tide" and "wide" was excellent. But the "oh so" part just sort of ruined the entire feel to it. Therefore making it far less dramatic then it could have been otherwise.
Another example:
Once again, the bolded words "blow" and "flow" really work well together. Basically the only problem with this one is that "sleep" somewhat rhymes with "indiscrete" - which throws the reader off balance, and possibly cause them to lose the beat of the poem (I know it did for me).
Hope that helps a bit more!
And YAY!!! First review!
~B-Cat